I received such great feedback from my last post on 30 Irish jokes that it was only fair to put up a new post.
A few of these have already been shared on the Irish jokes Facebook page but a few of these Irish jokes will be sent out over the next few weeks.
Enough talk lets get into these 15 Irish jokes!
Best Irish jokes #1 The Irish pub:
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says,
“As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
Best Irish jokes #2 The Blonde in Ireland:
A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes……
So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside.
On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road.
As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there.
She said “Hey I’ll bet you, if I can guess how many sheep you have in this flock, how about you give me one? “Ok,” he said, “give it a try.”
She stood in the seat and surveyed the flock and said: “You have 347 sheep!”
The farmer was amazed as he had exactly 347 sheep.
He told her to pick her one out and picked a really cute one. As she was putting it into her car.
The farmer said
“Wait a minute, how about if I can guess what colour your hair really is you give me my dog back?”
Best Irish jokes #3 Two Irishmen have a bright idea:
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.
Best Irish jokes #4 An Irish man in Italy:
He offered her a drink and over the course of the night, he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs.
She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.
They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey!,’ she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
One with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Best Irish jokes #5 (My personal favourite) Skinny little Irish man:
Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: ‘7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’
The little white Irish man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’
The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me……
I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’
The little white Irish man says: ‘Turner Brown?! …. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around!!!!
Best Irish jokes #6 A Texan walks into an Irish pub:
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
Best Irish jokes #7 An Irish priest was transferred to Texas:
Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple of’yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
“Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment…
Father O’Malley then replied, “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”
Best Irish jokes #8 Paddy’s girlfriend:
Paddy rings his new girlfriend’s doorbell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says ‘This is for the flowers!’
‘Don’t be silly,’ says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!’
Best Irish jokes #9 The Irish postman:
After 35 years, It was Brian the Postman’s last day carrying the post in a quaint Irish village
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who thanked him for his service and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars and Irish Whiskey. “Good Luck to ye, Brian!” They called after him.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of hand-made fishing lures. “Fer yer free time!” They had said.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in an open robe, leaving little to the imagination. She took him by the hand, gently led him inside. She then took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate lovemaking that he had ever experienced.
When they had finished, they went downstairs and she fixed him a proper breakfast tray of eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
After all, was said and done, he noticed a pound coin in the corner of the tray. “I’ve had such a wonderful time,” he said, “but what’s the pound for?”
“Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. He said, ‘Fuck him! Give him a pound’…but the breakfast was my idea.”
Best Irish jokes #10 An elderly woman in a bank:
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000’.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’
The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square.’
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’
‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square.’
‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’
‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland’
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Best Irish #11 The Irish millionaire:
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros, you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”
“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick, ”So I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..”
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m fookin sure.”
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
“Dat it is.”
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy’s to buy him a drink.
“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”
“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”
Best Irish jokes #12 An Irish Lumberjack:
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the Irishman.
“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the Foreman. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman’s door.
“I cut the tree down,” said the Irishman.
“Holy smokes!” Said the Foreman. “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”
“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked, “…don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”
“Oh.. Is that what they call it now?”
Best Irish jokes #13 The Irish fisherman:
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing,’ replied the old man.
‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth.’
Best Irish jokes #14 Brexit jokes special:
Bond films to last 30% longer with scenes of his passport being more heavily scrutinised between exotic European locales.
Best Irish jokes #15 Brexit jokes special:
Did you enjoy these Irish jokes?
I would love to take credit for all of them. They are mostly from Reddit and Twitter. Which Irish joke was your favourite? Comment below.
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