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30 Of The Best Irish Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

30 Of The Best Irish Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud June 6, 20182 Comments

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30 of the best Irish jokes featured image (1)

Irish jokes are famous across the world, some good and some bad.

For the past 30 days, I have been sharing an Irish joke every day on my Facebook page.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction they would get, surprisingly the jokes reached over 1 million people!

So I thought it would be only fair to include these Irish jokes in a big blog post.

I also have a whole section dedicated to Irish humour here.

In 2016 I published this other jokes post, and it was about time I updated it.

Some of these Irish jokes are outspoken some, and some will bring you to tears but remember they are just jokes so please don’t take any personally.

30 of the best Irish jokes featured image (1)

Full credit goes to Irish Rover, a member of my Irish jokes Facebook group.

Not sure if he created all of these jokes but he still shares one every single day so fair play to him!

You can join the Facebook group here; I have no doubt it will be pretty busy after I share this post.

Okay let’s begin this epic list of our top 30 Irish jokes:

  1. Best Irish joke “The Doctor”
    Irish joke number one the doctor.
    Irish Jokes the doctor

    An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says,“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,”Do I have to take them every day?”No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

    “Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
    “Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”

    “Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.

    “I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”

    “Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,

    “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”

  2. An Irishman goes into a pub and orders three whiskies.After he has put them on the bar, the barman says to him”That’s not like you, Paddy, you’re normally a Guinness man!”Paddy replies, “Well you see, I’ve just had my first ever blowjob!”Great!” says the barman, “Have another one on the house!”To which Paddy replies, “No thanks, if three of them don’t work, a fourth one won’t get rid of the taste either!”
  3. Irish joke the leprechaun:
    irish bar joke (1)An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers.He thenpulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him
    on the counter.As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says,”Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?”

    The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a
    raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to
    the Irishman.

    The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,

    “Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”

    The Irishman replies,“Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”

    “Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go
    back to drinking beer.

    An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered.
    “Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!” he says.

    The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
    raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”

    This time the Englishman is really mad!

    “Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I’ll Chop his
    willie right off, I will!” he shouts.

    “You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t
    have willies.”

    “How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.

    “They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBT.” 
  4. Irish Jokes Guinness:
    Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they’s suin’ dem der cigarette companies fer causin’ people to git cancer?”

    “Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

    “And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants fer makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”
    “Sure is, Patrick.”

    “And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”

    “Yep.”

    “And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
    “That’s right,” said the lawyer.“But why are you asking?”

    “Well, I was thinkin’ . . .
    What I want to know is, kin I sue Guinness fer all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.
  5. Paddy went to the Doc’s today. and said “do you treat alcoholics”, The Dr replied, “of course we do”………Paddy said “great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint
  6. Barman says to Paddy “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?” lookin’ puzzled Paddy says “Why know would i be needed two empty feckin glasses?”
  7. Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”

    “My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.

    “What’s so special about him?” asks Mary.

    “He’s got a boat” says Paddy
  8. Irish jokes: the job interview

    the job interview Irish joke
    Irish jokes the job interview


    An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
    When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test.
    The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

    The interviewer looked at the drawings and said:“But that is not nine!”

    “Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”

    The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.

    After thinking for a long while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

    The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!”

    “Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”

    The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.

    After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

    The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”

     

    “Oh yes it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,

    “Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100

  9. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked,“If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean
    “’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
  10. Irish jokes Tiger Woods:
    Best irish jokes Tiger woods
    Irish jokes tiger woods


    On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

    The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

    “What are dose?, asks the attendant.

    “They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

    “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

    “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

    “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW tinks of everyting

  11. Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,“Your mum’s the best shag in town!”Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, “I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
    Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,

    “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”

    Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”

     

  12. “Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.“It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!”I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.”Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”
  13. A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River – $100.

    He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100.

    The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.

    Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100.

    The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.

    Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”

    The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.”
  14. NEWSFLASH………..
    The Irish SAS were dropped into Russia last week with orders to take Vladimir Putin out……
    So far…. news reports say …… he’s been to the cinema twice……… and last night they went Ten Pin Bowling…..!
  15. Best Irish jokes “The Penis Surgery”:Best Irish joke the penis surgery
    Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation.


    But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.


    “I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there,” Paddy was prompted to remark.

    “T’wasn’t always that way,” replied Mick. “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said.

    “I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it.”

    Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to
    Dublin.It was a good six months later before he ran intoMick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.

    “You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand euros only” said Paddy.

    Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin, same doctor.

    Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.

    Once more they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a

    peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared and he started laughing.

    “Why are you laughing?”

    “No wonder you got it at half price,” Mick laughed. “That’s my old one!”
  16. Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping

    With his list, he went to reach for the largest cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it.

    “Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you be wantin the biggest one,” he winked.

    “You’ve got me” she giggled, “Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?”

    “No thanks,” said Paddy, “I’ve got better things to do with me time than be standin around watching a woman make sandwiches.”
  17. Irish jokes: The Irish priest
    Irish jokes the priest
    An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church ..


    ‘Father’, he confessed, ‘its been one month now since my last confession…

    I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’

    The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’

    Soon thereafter, Another Irish man entered the confessional ..

    ‘Father, it has been two months since me last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’

    This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’

    ‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …

    ‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..

    At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
    Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..

    The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..

    Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..

    The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she Wasn’t wearing any underwear.

    The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’

    The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!’
  18. Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving,Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer, What happened said the farmer,Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
  19. Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain’s voice came over the loudspeaker.“Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to have failed.There’s nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.”

    Five minutes later he said, “Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.”

    A moment later, “Er…sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up and we will now be two hours later than expected.

    One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder.“Good heavens,Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we’ll be here all night”
  20. Paddy drags a huge box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.‘Where did you get this?’ asks the expert.‘It’s been in me loft for 40 years, to be sure’ replies Paddy, ‘and I tink it must be some koind of family heirloom.’‘I see,’ says the expert. ‘Tell me, do you have insurance?’‘No,’ replies Paddy.‘Do yus think I shud?’‘Yeah,’ replies the expert. ‘It’s your water tank.
  21. Irish jokes Paddy’s dog:
    Irish joke paddys dog haha
    Paddy had downed 4 pints of Smithys, 4 pints of Guinness and 3 whiskies, his money had run out…but poor Paddy wanted a few more. he thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros


    He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note ..

    “I have kidnapped your dog ..
    I am sorry to do this, but I need the money ..

    Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree, in the park in 2 hours time, “Signed, Paddy from Cork.”

    He pinned the note inside the little dog’s collar, and told the dog to go straight home ..

    Two hours later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed ..

    Inside the bag was the following note …

    “Here is your money .. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed “the dog-owner”
  22. I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, “watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”

    Paddy says, “yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”

    I said, “what instructions, Paddy?”

    Paddy says, “underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.” 
  23. Irish Jokes Paddy’s wife is deaf:
    Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.

    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

    The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform

    To give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    Here’s what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

    If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.

    Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the Hallway,

    He thinks to himself I’m about 40 feet away let’s see what happens.

    In a normal tone, he asks “Mary what’s for feckin dinner my lovely?”

    No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says” Mary what’s for feckin dinner ?”. Still no response.

    He moves closer about 20 feet. ” Mary, for Christ’s sake can ye be tellin me what’s for dinner ?”Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing.

    So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you be tellin me what’s for dinner?

    She replied,

    FOR FUCK SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!! 
  24. Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

    He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

    There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.

    And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

    He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I tink its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.”

    The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
  25. Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room.
    Five minutes later he calls the desk and says,
    “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”The desk clerk says,”Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”Paddy Irishman replies”Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom.There’s a second door that goes into the closet.

    And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

     

  26. Irish jokes about Julia Roberts:Irish jokes Julia Roberts
    An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage in a train.Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

    Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

    The Englishman was thinking, “The Irish fella must have kissed Julia and she missed him and slapped me instead.”

    Julia Robert was thinking, “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”

    And the Irishman was thinking,“This is feckin great to be sure. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.” 
  27. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night.They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.”Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us” Paddy called as he caught his breath.

    “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” Joseph called.

    “My friends are such fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelt my name and here I have to correct it!”

  28. Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch.The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in the and does the same.The bartender asks him, “Why did you do that?”And Paddy replies,”Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick
  29. Irish jokes “The Italian Lawyer”:
    The Italian man on a plan Irish joke
    An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

    The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says.This catches the Irishman’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’

    The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

    Now, it’s the Irishman’s turn.

    He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’

    The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

    He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

    After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

    He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00.

    The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

    The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

    He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

    The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.Don’t mess with the Irish!

  30. Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub’s weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize:

    Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush.

    The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes.Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted

    Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.

    ‘It wasn’t that great,’ he said. ‘I think I’ll go back to using paper.’

There you have it!! 30 Of the best Irish jokes on the internet.

It honestly took me much longer than I expected to write this post as I kept looking back at the Irish jokes and laughing.

Did you have a favourite from this list? My personal favourite was “The Italian Lawyer”.

Which was yours? Comment below.

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Cheers,

Stephen Palmer

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