Paddy and Murphy jokes are Irish jokes starring two everyday Irishmen, usually in the pub, at Mass, at the doctor’s or abroad. Below are 50 clean ones, sorted by setting, with three-man jokes and a section for kids. There’s also a bit on where “Paddy” jokes came from.
It has been a while since I put together a new list of Paddy and Murphy jokes. This is a great selection that I handpicked. I’ve dropped the rude ones from my old list and added plenty more, all clean enough for your granny.
Remember they are just jokes, so if any do offend you, I do apologise.
Paddy and Murphy jokes, guaranteed to bring a laugh
Jump to:
- Irish pub jokes
- At work
- Mass and funerals
- With the doctor
- Abroad
- One-liners
- Paddy, Mick and Murphy
- Clean jokes for kids
- History
- How to tell one
- FAQ
Irish pub jokes: Paddy and Murphy at the pub
1. Paddy declares war on France
The French President’s phone rings. “Paddy here, from the Harp Bar in Clare. We’re declaring war on you.”
“How big is your army?” “Myself, Seamus next door and the darts team. Eight of us.” “I have 100,000 men.” “Jaysus. I’ll ring you back.”
Next day: “We’ve two combine harvesters, Murphy’s tractor and a microlight.” “I have 6,000 tanks and 200,000 men.” “Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I’ll ring you back.”
Next morning: “The war is off. We talked it over. There’s no way in the world we could feed 200,000 prisoners.”
2. The designated decoy
A Garda waits outside a pub in Listowel. A man staggers out, tries his keys in five cars, then sits in his own tooting the horn while everyone drives off.
He creeps away at a snail’s pace. The Garda pulls him over, but the breathalyser reads zero. “It must be broken,” says the Garda.
“I doubt it,” says the man. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy. They all got away.”
3. Murphy’s three pints
Every night in Ennis, Murphy orders three pints. “My brothers emigrated to Boston and Sydney,” he explains. “We promised we’d always drink together.”
One night he orders only two. The pub goes quiet. “I’m sorry for your trouble, Murphy,” says the barman.
“Ah no, the brothers are grand,” says Murphy. “I’ve given up the drink for Lent.”
4. Paddy bets he can bite his own eye
Paddy bets a stranger €10 he can bite his own eye. He pops out his glass eye and bites it. “Double or nothing I can bite the other one.”
Paddy takes out his false teeth and bites his good eye.
5. The fifty euro
“Was I in here last night?” Murphy asks the barman. “You were.” “Did I spend fifty euro?” “You did.”
“Thank God. I thought I’d lost it.”
6. Doctor’s orders
“Why do you close your eyes when you drink, Paddy?”
“Doctor’s orders. He told me never to look at a pint again.”
7. Free pints tomorrow
Murphy hangs a sign over his pub door: “Free pints tomorrow”. Next day Paddy arrives.
Murphy points at the sign. “Read it again, Paddy.”
At work and on the farm
8. Paddy in court with Bessie the cow
Paddy sues a haulage firm after a lorry hits his tractor. Their solicitor asks, “Did you tell the Garda at the scene you were fine?”
“Well, I’d just loaded Bessie, my cow…” “Just answer the question!” But the judge wants to hear about Bessie.
“The lorry hit us, Judge. I landed in one ditch and Bessie in the other. The vet heard her groaning and put her down on the spot.”
“Then the vet came over to me, gun still in hand, and asked how I was feeling. What would you have said?”
9. The minimum wage inspector
An inspector checks that old Paddy pays the minimum wage.
“The farmhand gets €600 a week,” says Paddy. “The housekeeper gets €550 and her meals. And the poor fella who works sixteen hours a day for €25 and a bottle of whiskey at Christmas.”
“That’s a disgrace. I need to talk to him.”
“You’re talking to him,” says Paddy.
10. The joist and the girder
On a London building site, the foreman tries to catch Paddy out. “What’s the difference between a joist and a girder?”
“Easy,” says Paddy. “Joyce wrote Ulysses, and Goethe wrote Faust.”
11. The consultant and the sheep
A man in a shiny car stops by Paddy’s field in Connemara. “If I guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?”
Paddy nods. The man taps his laptop. “1,247.” “Spot on.” The man lifts one into his boot.
“Now,” says Paddy, “if I guess your job, can I have it back? You’re a consultant.”
“How did you know?”
“You came without being asked, told me what I already knew, and you’ve just put my dog in your boot.”
12. Paddy at the job centre
“Have you anything with short hours, good money and no heavy lifting?”
“We have,” says the clerk. “Four-day week, company car, €90,000 a year.”
“You’re joking me!” “I am. But you started it.”
13. The responsible man
“For this job we need someone responsible,” says the interviewer.
“I’m your man,” says Murphy. “In my last job, anything that went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Paddy and Murphy at Mass and the funeral
14. No enemies
Father Walsh preaches on forgiveness. “Hands up anyone here with no enemies.”
One hand goes up. It’s old Mrs Murphy, aged 98. “How did you manage it?”
“They’re all dead, Father, God rest them.”
15. The new roof
“I’ve good news and bad news,” says the priest. “We have enough money for the new roof. The bad news is it’s still in your pockets.”
16. The new organist
Sign outside Paddy’s parish church: “Wondering what purgatory is like? Come and hear our new organist.”
17. Murphy’s death notice
Mrs Murphy asks the paper for a death notice: “Murphy died.” “You get five words for the same price,” says the clerk. She thinks a minute. “Murphy died. Boat for sale.”
18. The ashes
Paddy tells his wife he wants his ashes scattered in Dunnes Stores. “Why on earth?”
“That way I know you’ll visit me twice a week.”
19. Doesn’t he look well?
Two neighbours at Paddy’s wake look into the coffin. “Doesn’t he look well?”
“He should. He’s only back from a fortnight in Lanzarote.”
Paddy and Murphy with the doctor
20. Two places
“Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in two places.” “Well, stop going to those places.”
21. Till you’re 80
“Murphy, you’ll live till you’re 80.” “Doctor, I am 80.” “There you are now. What did I tell you?”
22. Will I live to 100?
“If I give up the drink, the cigarettes and the chips, will I live to 100?”
“No, Paddy. But it’ll feel like it.”
23. The hearing aid
Paddy gets a new hearing aid. “Your family must be delighted,” says the doctor.
“I haven’t told them yet. I’ve changed my will three times.”
24. The walking cure
The doctor tells Murphy to walk five miles a day. A week later he rings.
“Doctor, I’m 35 miles from home. What do I do now?”
Paddy and Murphy on holidays and abroad
25. A question with a question
An American in Killarney asks Paddy, “Is it true the Irish always answer a question with a question?”
“Now who told you that?”
26. Landing in Sydney
“Do you have a criminal record?” asks the immigration officer in Sydney.
“Sorry,” says Paddy. “I didn’t know you still needed one.”
27. Paddy and the Pope
Murphy bets Paddy €100 he doesn’t know the Pope.
In St Peter’s Square, Paddy slips away. Soon he’s on the balcony, waving beside the Pope.
A tourist taps Murphy on the shoulder. “Excuse me, who’s that up there with Paddy?”
28. Three bags
At Dublin Airport, Paddy hands over three cases. “This one to Boston, this one to Málaga, and this one to Sydney, please.”
“Sir, we can’t do that.” “You managed it last year.”
29. The weather in Galway
“How was the holiday in Galway, Murphy?” “Grand. It only rained twice. Once for three days, and once for four.”
Paddy and Murphy one-liners
There are 113 in my Irish one-liner jokes.
- Murphy’s Law says anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Paddy’s Law says it’ll happen on a bank holiday weekend.
- Murphy’s wife told him to stop pretending to be a flamingo. He had to put his foot down.
- Paddy bought a dog from a blacksmith. It made a bolt for the door.
- Murphy entered ten puns in the parish talent show, hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.
- Paddy told the wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- Paddy’s been married 50 years. He says the secret is two words: “You’re right.”
- Murphy used to be afraid of speed bumps. He’s slowly getting over it.
- Murphy got a job in a calendar factory. He was sacked for taking a day off.
Paddy, Mick and Murphy jokes
These are Paddy and Mick jokes, with Murphy along for the ride. The first two are old Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman jokes, written down by schoolchildren in the 1930s. Paddy wins both.
38. The horse, the cow and the cart
An Englishman, a Scotsman and Paddy find a horse, a cow and a cart in an empty house. Down the road, a man asks where they got them.
“I reared the horse from a foal,” says the Englishman. “I reared the cow from a calf,” says the Scotsman.
“And I reared the cart,” says Paddy, “since it was a box-barrow.”
Collected by a pupil at Cill Ruadháin school, Lisgarode, Co. Tipperary.
39. The donkey on the coat
An Englishman and a Scotsman draw a donkey’s head on the back of Paddy’s coat. Paddy spots it and looks at the pair of them.
“Which of ye wiped your face on it?”
From a school in Knocknasna, Co. Limerick.
40. The fly in the pint
Paddy, Mick and Murphy each find a fly in their pint. Paddy pushes his away. Mick fishes his out and drinks on.
Murphy lifts his fly out and shakes it over the glass. “Spit it out, you thief!”
41. The genie on the island
Paddy, Mick and Murphy are stranded on an island. A genie gives them a wish each.
“I wish I was home in Cork,” says Paddy, and he’s gone. “I wish I was home in Mayo,” says Mick, and he’s gone.
Murphy looks around. “It’s awful lonely here. I wish the lads were back.”
42. At the funeral
Paddy, Mick and Murphy talk about what they’d like said at their funerals.
“He was a great husband and father,” says Paddy. “He was a great neighbour,” says Mick.
Murphy says, “Look, he’s moving!”
Clean Irish jokes for kids
- Why do people wear shamrocks on St Patrick’s Day? Real rocks are too heavy.
- Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? He’s always a little short.
- Why don’t leprechauns iron their four-leaf clovers? They don’t want to press their luck.
- Why did the potato go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.
- What do you call an Irish spider? Paddy long legs.
- “Mammy, can I go out to play?” “With those holes in your trousers?” “No, with the lads next door.”
- “Mammy, can I have a dog for Christmas?” “No, Paddy. You’ll have turkey like everyone else.”
- Knock knock. Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St Patrick’s Day!
Where Paddy and Murphy jokes come from
“Paddy” and the Irish bull
“Paddy” is short for Patrick. Green’s Dictionary of Slang dates its use for any Irishman to the 1760s, and marks that use as derogatory.
In 1802 Maria Edgeworth and her father published An Essay on Irish Bulls. A “bull” was a verbal blunder the English pinned on the Irish, and the book made the case for Irish wit.
From Punch to the 1970s
Victorian weeklies such as Punch drew the Irish as ape-like, especially from the 1860s. The historian L. Perry Curtis Jr. saw racism in this, in Apes and Angels (1971). Others, like Sheridan Gilley, thought it was more political, as Warwick University’s seminar notes explain.
Ronan McDonald, then of UNSW, wrote in The Conversation in 2011 that northern English comedians loved Irish jokes in the 1970s. He also noted they hadn’t quite gone away, even in Australian politics.
The sociologist Christie Davies, of the University of Reading, studied jokes like these. As I understand it, he argued that “stupid” jokes tend to land on people at the edge of a country. In Britain that often meant the Irish. In Ireland, as Ronan McDonald remembers, it meant Kerry.
He thought such jokes don’t always mean real hostility. Reviewing his book The Mirth of Nations in Times Higher Education, Laurie Taylor noted that some find they add insult to injury.
How the Irish took them back
Mind you, we Irish were telling Paddy jokes on ourselves long before the 1970s. In the 1930s, schoolchildren wrote down folklore for the Schools’ Collection, now on Dúchas. It tags about 6,000 items as jokes.
Waterford’s Hal Roach played 26 seasons in a row at Jury’s Cabaret in Dublin, a hit with American visitors. The Irish Times said his gags were “clean as a whistle”, and his Ireland was full of people happy to laugh at themselves.
Dublin’s Dave Allen (1936 to 2005) told his stories sitting down, with a cigarette and a glass of what looked like whiskey. He was famous on British TV for poking fun at the Catholic Church, as the Irish Times recalled. To my mind, he showed Britain a sharp Irishman, not a thick one.
How to tell an Irish joke well
- Use the rule of three. The third try breaks the pattern.
- Make it local. “Paddy walks into a pub in Dingle” beats “a man walks into a bar”.
- Pause before the punchline. Say it plainly, then stop.
- Talk like yourself. Skip the stage-Irish accent. A real word like craic or eejit does more, and my Irish slang words guide has plenty.
- Let Paddy win where you can. Everyone loves the underdog.
Paddy and Murphy jokes FAQ
Who are Paddy and Murphy in Irish jokes?
They’re stock characters, two ordinary Irishmen. Paddy is short for Patrick, and Murphy is a very common Irish surname.
Are Paddy and Mick jokes offensive?
It depends who’s the butt. Jokes where Paddy is simply thick grew out of old prejudice. Jokes where Paddy is the clever one are the ones you’ll hear told in Ireland.
What is a good clean Irish joke?
Try the consultant and the sheep, number 11 above. It suits any age, and Paddy wins.
What’s a good Irish pub joke?
Murphy’s three pints, number 3 above. It works in any pub, and nobody’s the butt of it.
What is the most famous Irish joke?
There’s no official one, but the “Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman” format is probably the best known. In Ireland, the Irishman usually wins.
More Irish jokes
- Irish Jokes: 58 of the Best
- Funny Irish Jokes, Short and Long
- Irish One-Liner Jokes
- Murphy’s Law: What Does It Mean?
- Irish Slang Words
- St Patrick’s Day Facts
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Stephen
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