A Collection Of The Funniest Irish Jokes

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I think I have shared over 100 Irish jokes on the blog at this stage. But I have also shared a unique Irish joke every week on my weekly dose of Irish.

So today, I thought I would put a collection of the funniest Irish jokes together for you. 

Be prepared to laugh out loud at these hilarious Irish jokes and puns. 

If you would like to get a new Irish joke in your inbox, every Friday subscribe here. 

Collection of the funniest Irish Jokes: 

#1 Three brewmasters:

The brewmasters of 3 major beer companies decide to step away from a beer festival and go to a local pub…

The first was from Mexico. He walks in, approaches the bar and says, “Hola bartender, I would like to have the finest beer in the world. Give me a Dos Equis, por favor.”

The second was from Holland. “Bartender, give me the finest beer in the world, a Heineken.”

The third was the head of Guinness brewery at St. James Gate in Dublin. He takes a look around and then orders, “Bartender, I’ll have a Coke, please.”

The other two give a puzzled look and finally ask, “Why a Coke?” The brewmaster from Guinness answers, “Well, I figured if you lads weren’t drinking beer yet, I could hold off for a wee bit.”

#2 Irish jokes collection Mistletoe

Mary was a pretty redhead shopping in Dundrum. In the week before Christmas, she sauntered up to the counter and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she decided and asked the shop assistant called Mick, “How much is this gold tinsel?”
Seeing the pretty girl, Mick said, “This week, we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre.”

“Wow, that’s grand”, said Mary. “I’ll take 12 metres.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Mick measured out the tinsel and gave it to Mary.
After Mick handed her the bag, Mary said, “My Grandpa will settle the bill.”

#3 The Irish Family tradition 

Sean had long heard of the story of a family tradition. It seems that his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that particular day, they would walk across the lake to their local pub, ‘Murphy’s Bar’, for their first legal drink.

So when Sean’s 18th birthday arrived, he and his friend Mick took a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and Sean stepped out of the boat.

He immediately sank and nearly drowned. He was only saved by Mick, who managed to pull him back into the boat.
Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, “Gran ’tis my 18th birthday. So why can’t I walk across the water, like my father, me grandfather, and his father before him?”

Grandma looked deep into Sean’s troubled eyes, looked at him with kind, benevolent eyes and said,

“Because they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen over; you were born in August, ye fecking eejit!!”

#4 The Irish bodybuilder

An Irish bodybuilder takes off his shirt, and the blonde woman says: 

Wow what a great chest you have! 

He says 

100 lbs of dynamine babe! 

He then takes off his pants, and the blonde says

Wow what massive calves you have!

He says

100 lbs of dynamine babe! 

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running, screaming in fear. 

He puts on his clothes and chases behind her. Once he eventually caught up to her, he asked why the hell she ran away like that. 

The blonde replied: 

I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was! 

#5 Murphy lost an eye 

Murphy lost his eye in an accident and couldn’t afford the price of a glass eye.

So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Paddy came over and forced him to go out.

“There’s a dance over at the club,” he said.

“So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?”

“All right,” said Murphy, “but if anybody makes fun of my eye I’m leaving.”

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage.

And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

“She’s worse off than me,” Murphy thought. “The least I can do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl.

Would you care to dance? he asked.

Would I?!” she exclaimed.

“That does it,” he shouted, “Hunchback! Hunchback!”

#6 An Irishman enjoying his pint

I was once standing at a bar in the city of Cork, enjoying my pint of the black stuff. Guinness to you. The door suddenly opens, in walks a Chinese man who stands beside and starts to drink.

“Tell me,” I say to him. “Do you know any fancy moves, like in Kung Fu? Anything at all that could get you out of a load of trouble?”

“Oh no,” he says to me in a really annoying way.

“Is this because I’m Chinese, and we’re all supposed to be experts in Kung Fu like Bruce Lee?”

“No,” I say back to him.

“It’s because you’re drinking my Guinness!!”

#7 Paddy on New Year’s eve

On New Year’s Eve, Paddy was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer. ‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Paddy.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s day?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Paddy grimly.

#8 Paddy told Murphy that his wife was driving him to drink.

Murphy considers him to be very lucky. His wife makes him walk.

#9 Short Irish jokes collection: 

Q. What do you call a big Irish spider? A Paddy long legs.

Q. What’s Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O’furniture.

What do you call a big Irish spider? A Paddy long legs.

What do you call an Irishman covered in boils? – A leper-chaun.

What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A Murder Suspect.

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? Cos they’re always a little short.

#10 Not as short Irish jokes:

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.

The Texan says : “Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other.”

The Kerry farmer says:” Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too.”

Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”

“My uncle Mick” replies Paddy. “What’s so special about him?” asks Mary. “He’s got a boat,” says Paddy

The barman says to Paddy “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?”

Lookin’ puzzled Paddy says “Why know would i be needed two empty feckin glasses?

Paddy went to the Doc’s today and said: “do you treat alcoholics.”

The Dr replied, “of course we do”………Paddy said “great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint –

A priest is driving back to Dublin when he gets pulled over for speeding.

The Garda approaches the window and sees an empty wine bottle in the passenger’s seat.

The priest rolls down the window and a strong smell of wine wafts out.

“Have you been drinking, Father?” asks the Garda.

“Just water,” replied the priest.

“I can smell wine, Father,” said the Garda.

The priest looks from the bottle to the heavens. “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”

#11 The English quiz

Seamus O’Brien had been hailed as the most intelligent Irish man for three years running.

He had topped such shows as Larry Gogan’s ‘Just a Minute Quiz’ and ‘Quicksilver’.

It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He did and won a place. On the evening of the competition, Seamus walks on stage, sits down and makes himself comfortable.

The lights dim, and a spotlight shines on his face. Magnus, the emcee, proceeds: “Seamus, what subject are you studying?” Seamus responds, “Irish history“. “Very well,” says Magnus, “your first question – in what year did the ‘Easter Rising take place?” “Pass,” says Seamus. “Okay,” says Magnus,

“Who was the leader of the Easter Rising?” Seamus responds, “Pass.”

“Well then,” says Magnus, “how long did the Easter Rising last?”

Again, Seamus responds, “Pass.”

Instantly, a voice from the audience shouts out: “Goodman, Seamus – tell the English nothing…”

#12 Three Men on Christmas Eve 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honour of this holy season,’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’ The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates, Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’ Saint Peter said, ‘You may pass through the pearly gates.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

The paddy replied, ‘These are Carols.’

#13 Four Catholic ladies having coffee – Irish jokes collection

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Grace.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Eminence.”

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle “Well…?”

She replies, “Well, my son is a gorgeous, 6’2”, hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper.

Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “My God”.

#14  The Irish Fisherman

It was raining hard, and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

‘Fishing,’ replied the old man.

‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’

‘You’re the eighth.’

#15 Guido and the Finnish lady

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,

“So, you finish?”

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”

Surprised, Guido reached for her, and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly, and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks,

“You finish?”

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No.”

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asks again,

“You finish?”

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

“No, I’m Irish.”

#14 Sleeping with Mick 

The Irish guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and came to breakfast the following day with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you? He said, “Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, ‘Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Bill’s turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man’s man… The following day he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it.

They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night.”

#15 Irish farmer with five pigs 

An Irish farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, They’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week, and both farmers were worn out.

The following day he was too tired to get out of bed.

He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon, and one of them is honking the horn.”

#16 An Irish mammy 

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house, and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entryway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilt on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilt on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap, and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

“What happened here?!”

She again smiled and answered, “You know, every day when you come home from work, and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today, I didn’t do it.”

#17 One of my personal favourite Irish jokes: Paddy on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.” 

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and, towards the end of the program, had already won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said Jeremey Clarkson, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros, you’ve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo”

“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick,” So I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..”

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple; it’s a cuckoo.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fookin 100% sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told Jeremy, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer, for 1 million Euro?” asked Jeremy.

“Yes, I am sure of it. I trust my friend Paddy.”

There was a long, long pause, and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer!

Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”

The next night, Mick went round to Paddy’s to buy him a drink and celebrate with him.

“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

Paddy looked back at Mick and said, “Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”

#18. Last from the funniest Irish jokes collection: The bank of Ireland

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the President of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the President’s office.

The President of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘€165,000’.

The President was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she had made bets.

The President was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you €10,000 that your testicles are square.’

The President laughed and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the President and said,

‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the President. ‘I bet you €10,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind, I would like to come back at 10′ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’

‘No problem’, said the President of the Bank confidently.

That night, the President became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The following day at exactly 10 o’clock, the elderly woman arrived at the President’s office with her lawyer. She acknowledged the €10,000 bet made the day before that the President’s testicles were square.

The President confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc., so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The President was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the President if she could touch them. ‘Of course, said the President. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the President noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that, and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him €100,000 that around 10 o’clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland’

Which of these were the funniest Irish jokes for you? 

Comment below and let me know. I will be adding to this list every time I have a new Irish joke. 

 

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