Three great Irish Halloween jokes. How do you know a ghost is Irish? He takes forty minutes to leave and says goodbye three times. Why did the banshee stop wailing at the back door? The mammy told her to come in or go out, she was letting the heat out. Why don’t skeletons fight? They haven’t the guts.
Halloween grew partly out of Samhain, the old Irish festival. We gave the world the turnip lantern, with some help from the Scots, so the least we’re owed is a few jokes.
Here are 90 Halloween jokes and riddles, Irish ones first, including four recorded in Irish schools in the 1930s. All clean enough for the classroom.
Jump to: Irish | Kids | Ghosts | Witches | Vampires | Skeletons | Pumpkins | Knock-knocks | One-liners | Riddles | 1930s
Irish Halloween jokes
These are home-made, so blame me, not the banshee.
How do you know a ghost is Irish?
He takes forty minutes to leave and says goodbye three times.
Why did the banshee stop wailing at the back door?
The mammy told her to come in or go out, she was letting the heat out.
Why does the banshee never miss an Irish funeral?
Same as your Auntie Mary. She hears about it before the family does.
The banshee (bean sí, say ban SHEE, “woman of the fairy mound”) reputedly wails before a death in the family. Here’s the real banshee folklore.
Why does the Dullahan carry his head under his arm?
His mammy always said he’d lose it if it wasn’t screwed on. She was right.
Why did the Dullahan fail his driving test?
He kept losing his head at roundabouts.
The Dullahan is Ireland’s headless horseman. Roundabouts are traffic circles.
What does an Irish mammy say when a ghost walks through the wall?
“Were you born in a field? Use the door.”
Why do Irish ghosts always wear the old sheets?
The good ones are kept for visitors.
What’s the most popular Halloween costume in Ireland?
Anything that fits over a raincoat.
Why won’t the púca eat blackberries after Halloween?
He knows what he did to them.
According to tradition, the púca (POO-kuh), a shape-shifter, spoils the blackberries after Halloween. Yeats recorded it in 1888.
Why did the young lad swallow the ring in the barmbrack?
He wasn’t ready to commit.
What did the fella say when he bit the ring in his barmbrack?
“I think I’m engaged. I also think I need a dentist.”
Barmbrack is a speckled fruit loaf. Tradition says whoever finds the ring is next to marry.
What’s the difference between an Irish wake and a Halloween party?
The costumes. The sandwiches are exactly the same.
Why did the ghost leave his own wake early?
Everyone was saying lovely things and he didn’t recognise himself.
A wake is the gathering before an Irish funeral.
Why did the tourist go to a pig farm for Samhain?
Someone told him it was pronounced SOW-in.
What’s an Irish ghost’s favourite county?
Moan-aghan. (That’s County Monaghan.)
Why did the Corkman go to the Halloween party dressed as a Dubliner?
He wanted the scariest costume going.
Why won’t a Cork ghost ever haunt Dublin?
He’d have to admit he’d been there.
Cork and Dublin are old rivals. I’m from Cork, so I’m allowed those two.
What’s the scariest costume you can wear in Kilkenny?
A Tipperary jersey.
Why did the GAA club sign the banshee?
Nobody roars at the referee louder.
The GAA runs Gaelic games. Kilkenny and Tipperary are old hurling rivals.
Why is the Late Late Toy Show scarier than Halloween?
On Halloween, the little monsters only want sweets.
That’s RTÉ’s big toy special.
When does Halloween start in Ireland?
The first night a banger goes off down the road. Usually August.
Bangers are firecrackers.
Halloween jokes for kids
Clean, classroom-safe and built for groans.
What room does a ghost not need?
A living room.
What’s a ghost’s favourite fruit?
Boo-berries.
What do little monsters do before bed?
Brush their fangs and check under the bed for children.
Why did the cyclops close his school?
He only had one pupil.
What does a little monster call his parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Why wouldn’t the mummy come out to play?
He was all wrapped up in his homework.
Why was the little witch sent to the principal?
Bad spelling.
What did the zombie say when he finished his homework?
“That was a no-brainer.”
What’s a monster’s favourite playground game?
Swallow the leader.
What’s a monster’s favourite dessert?
Eye scream.
Ghost jokes
One old sheet, two holes, and someone asking where the good sheet went.
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them.
Why do ghosts love old Irish farmhouses?
They’re the only houses colder inside than out.
Why was the ghost thrown out of Irish dancing class?
He wouldn’t keep his arms still.
Why did the ghost go back to the gym?
To get into sheet shape.
What’s a ghost’s favourite game?
Hide and shriek.
A ghost walks into a pub at closing time.
The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits after hours.”
Witch jokes
Witches get a hard time, though in fairness they did turn people into toads.
What do you call two witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What do you call a witch at the beach?
A sand-witch.
Why do witches still fly on brooms?
The vacuum cord only reaches the end of the garden.
What does an Irish witch say when you call to her cottage?
“You’ll have tea.” It’s not a question. It’s a spell.
How can you tell a witch is Irish?
She’ll curse you, but she’ll make you a sandwich first.
Why do witches in rural Ireland fly everywhere?
The bus only comes on a Tuesday.
Vampire and Dracula jokes
Dracula is one of ours. Bram Stoker was born in Clontarf, Dublin, in 1847.
Why do vampires never get a tan in Ireland?
Same reason as the rest of us.
Why is it no surprise a Dubliner wrote Dracula?
Pale, up all night and allergic to sunshine? He wrote what he knew.
Why did Dracula move out of rural Ireland?
No privacy. The neighbours knew he was a vampire before he did.
What’s Dracula’s favourite Irish breakfast?
Black pudding. (That’s blood sausage.)
Why does Dracula read the Irish Times?
He heard it had great circulation.
Why won’t vampires drink Guinness?
They don’t trust anything with a white collar.
What’s Dracula’s favourite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues?
They can’t stand the stakes.
Skeleton jokes
The first is a classic.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
What did the mammy say to the skeleton going out?
“Put a coat on, you’ll catch your death.”
“Bit late for that, Mam.”
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the disco?
He had no body to go with.
Why did the skeleton move out of Galway?
The wind went right through him.
What does a skeleton order in the chipper?
Spare ribs.
A chipper is an Irish fish-and-chip shop.
Why was the skeleton dropped from the county team?
He kept going to pieces in the second half.
Pumpkin and turnip jokes
Before pumpkins, Ireland carved turnips, usually the hard yellow swede Americans call a rutabaga. Here’s how the Irish invented Halloween.
What do you call an Irish pumpkin?
Jack O’Lantern.
How long does it take to carve an Irish turnip lantern?
Two hours, three spoons and a plaster. (A plaster is a Band-Aid.)
Why do turnip lanterns never smile?
You’d be grim too if someone hollowed you out with a teaspoon.
How do you really scare a turnip lantern?
Tell him what happened to his brothers at Sunday dinner.
What did the pumpkin say on 1 November?
“Well, that’s me gutted.” (Gutted means devastated.)
Why couldn’t Stingy Jack get into heaven or hell?
He was barred from both. In Ireland that usually means two pubs.
Halloween knock-knock jokes
Knock-knocks are for kids, and for adults who’ve given up.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Boo.
Boo who? Don’t cry, it’s only Halloween.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Turnip.
Turnip who? Turnip the heating, it’s freezing out here!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Arthur.
Arthur who? Arthur any sweets left, or did Daddy eat them all?
Knock knock. Who’s there? Justin.
Justin who? Justin time for the barmbrack. Let me in, it’s lashing and I’m Baltic.
Lashing means pouring rain, Baltic means freezing. More in my Irish slang words.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Witch.
Witch who? Witch one of you ate all the barmbrack?
Knock knock. Who’s there? Ivana.
Ivana who? Ivana suck your blood!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Fangs.
Fangs who? Fangs for the sweets!
Halloween one-liners and captions
Short enough for a card. More in my Irish one-liner jokes (some for grown-ups).
Carving a turnip is like carving the Cliffs of Moher with a butter knife.
The Dullahan is the only Irishman nobody can accuse of having a big head. He keeps it at arm’s length.
I’m not afraid of ghosts. I’ve seen an Irish mammy’s face when you walk mud across her floor.
Happy Halloween, or as the banshee calls it, overtime.
The púca ruins the blackberries after Halloween. The Irish weather ruins them before it.
An Irish ghost doesn’t rattle chains. He rattles the teapot to see is there another cup in it.
Halloween is the one night the Irish answer the door without peeping through the curtains first.
In an Irish house, the Halloween treat is an apple. The trick is being told it’s good for you.
Only here for the barmbrack.
Halloween puns and riddles with answers
Old riddles and shameless puns. Pause before each answer.
What happens when a banshee gets a sore throat?
The whole parish gets a good night’s sleep.
What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
I ride a black horse, I carry my own head and I’m useless at hats. What am I?
The Dullahan.
I’m full of fruit, there’s a ring inside, and I’ve broken more teeth than a hurley. What am I?
A barmbrack. (A hurley is a hurling stick.)
I’m tall when I’m young and short when I’m old. What am I?
A candle, ideally inside a turnip.
I have a face but no head, and I work one night a year. What am I?
A jack-o’-lantern.
I have lots of eyes but I can’t see a thing. What am I?
A potato. This is Ireland, what did you expect?
Old Irish riddles from the 1930s
These aren’t mine. Schoolchildren recorded them for the Schools’ Collection, 1937 to 1939, now on dúchas.ie.
Why is a barm-brack like a rapid river?
“A barm-brack is full of currants and a rapid river is also full of currents.”
From Swords boys’ school, Co. Dublin.
When are two apples like bells?
“When they are peeled.”
Why are ripe apples lying on the ground like thievies?
“Because they ought to be taken up.”
Both from Barkhall school, Co. Donegal. Bells are pealed, and thieves are taken up, meaning arrested.
“The man that made it never wore it. The man that wore it never seen it.”
A coffin.
From Ballymore boys’ school, Co. Westmeath.
Irish Halloween jokes FAQ
What is the funniest Halloween joke?
A favourite is “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.” My Irish pick is the ghost who takes forty minutes to leave.
What are good Halloween jokes for kids?
Short puns work best, like boo-berries or eye scream. Knock-knocks suit the classroom because everyone joins in.
What are some Irish Halloween jokes?
An old favourite is “What do you call an Irish pumpkin? Jack O’Lantern.” Newer ones play on the banshee, the Dullahan and the mammy.
More Irish Halloween reading and jokes
- How the Irish Invented Halloween
- The Banshee
- The Dullahan
- The Púca
- Irish Jokes (for grown-ups)
- Haunted Places in Ireland
- Happy Halloween in Irish
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