I have created a new collection of funny Irish jokes. Irish jokes are like a warm, comforting pint of Guinness – they’re bound to put a smile on your face and have you laughing in no time. From witty banter in the local pub to the mischievous tales of Irish folklore, I’ve gathered a collection of funny Irish jokes that are sure to have you laughing like a leprechaun with a secret stash of shamrocks. So, grab a pint, pull up a chair, and let’s dive into the world of Irish wit and merriment!
I have broken this into short Irish jokes first and followed up with some long ones. I will always be updating this with new Irish jokes, so be sure to come back and check.
Now yes, the short Irish jokes are more like classic dad jokes. They are super cheesy, and it is all in the way you tell them. You will find short Irish jokes for adults and plenty of good quality funny Irish jokes! So let’s get to them!
Best short Irish jokes:
- What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
- Did you hear that Johnny’s grandma is 80% Irish? Her name is Iris.
- Yo, Mama is so Irish; she bleeds green, white, and orange!
- What’s more Irish than potatoes? No potatoes.
- Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can’t pass the bar.
- Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more bean would be too fatty.
- What do you call an Irish baker? A gingerbread man.
- What do you call three Irish lumberjacks? Tree fellers.
- What is the quickest way to find an American in a crowd? Shout, “Is anyone here Irish?”
- An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all take a seat and order a cup of tea. “Could you pass the honey, honey?” the Englishman asks his wife. The Scottish man thinks to himself, “How brilliant was that?” and turns to his wife, “Could you pass the sugar, sugar?” Not wanting to be outwitted by the other two men, the Irishman turns to his wife and says, “Could you pass me the milk, ye fucking cow?”
- Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O’Clock.
- What do you call an Irish dictator?
- What do you call an Irish computer virus?
- Why are the Irish risky gamblers?
Because they’re always Dublin’ down.
- What do you call a convention of short Irish men with leprosy?
- An Englishman and an Irishman are driving head-on on a curvy, dark road at night. Both are travelling at twice the speed limit for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. Despite the fact that their cars are both destroyed, they are both unharmed. In order to celebrate their good fortune, both vow to set aside their animosity for the other from that point forward. The Englishman then walks to the trunk and retrieves a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He passes the bottle to the Irishman, who shouts, “May the Irish and the English live in peace and harmony forever.” The Irishman then tips the bottle and gulps down half of it. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies, ”No thanks, I’ll just wait till the Police get here!”
- Did you hear the one about the Irish boomerang? It doesn’t come back; it just sings about how much it wants to!
- Mary was staggering home with a bottle of 18-year-old malt in her pocket when she slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to her feet, she felt something wet trickling down her leg.
“Good God,” she beseeched the heavens, “let it be blood!”
Best funny Irish jokes from my weekly dose of Irish(longer Irish jokes):
The Gates of Heaven:
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her:
“Hello. How are you?! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, ‘This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.
“Which word?” the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelt “love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her.
“I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion.
And my wife and I travelled all around the world.
We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today.
I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
Paddy went skiing funny Irish joke:
Paddy decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up Paddy’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbours. will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Paddy said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Paddy got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’
‘Yes, I do.’ Said Keith.
‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
‘Well, um, yes!’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,’ I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Keith’s face turned beet red, and he said,
‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’
She just died and left me everything.’
(And you thought the ending would be different!)
The alcohol tester:
In an alcohol factory, the regular tester died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, “It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.”
“That’s correct”, said the boss.
Another glass. “It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels.”
“Correct.” The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell you who’s the father!”
The boss collapsed!!!
Classic Mick Irish Joke:
Mick and his friend walk into a restaurant. After ordering their food, they begin to have a bite to eat.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. Mick’s friend looks at her and says, Can you swallow?’
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Can you breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
Mick’s friend walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, Mick’s friend walks slowly back to his table.
Mick says, ‘You know, I’d heard of that ‘Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain’t never seen anyone do it…”
Women are always right:
An Irishman was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s, where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened, and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!”
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Fable: DON’T ARGUE WITH DONKEYS
I thought it would be nice to include a fable in my funny Irish jokes list as it has some great positive messages in it.
Some words of wisdom for anyone who finds themselves arguing with a donkey.
The donkey said to the tiger:
– “The grass is blue”.
The tiger replied:
– “No, the grass is green.”
The discussion heated up, and the two decided to submit him to arbitration, and for this, they went before the lion, the King of the Jungle.
Already before reaching the forest clearing, where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey began to shout:
– “His Highness, is it true that the grass is blue?”.
The lion replied:
– “True, the grass is blue.”
The donkey hurried and continued:
– “The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts and annoys me, please punish him.”
The king then declared:
– “The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence.”
The donkey jumped cheerfully and went on his way, content and repeating:
– “The Grass Is Blue”…
The tiger accepted his punishment, but before he asked the lion:
– “Your Majesty, why have you punished me? after all, the grass is green.”
The lion replied:
– “In fact, the grass is green.”
The tiger asked:
– “So why are you punishing me?”.
The lion replied:
– “That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green.
The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave and intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that, come and bother me with that question.”
The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who does not care about truth or reality but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on arguments that don’t make sense…
There are people who, no matter how much evidence and evidence we present to them, are not in the capacity to understand, and others are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and all they want is to be right even if they are not.
When ignorance screams, intelligence is silent. Your peace and quietness are worth more.
Irishman boars a plane:
An Irish man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat… As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. ” I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. ” And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained,” one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually, it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
Skinny Irishman is a classic Irish joke:
Airplane Irish Joke 2.0
As an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a
woman.”She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
An Irishman stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, feckin iron this!”.
Two Evil Irish brothers
There were two evil Irish brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their way from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians:
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
“I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.”
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.”
After going on in this vein for a short time, he concluded with…
“But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”
Irishman drinking in a bar in London:
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he got a call on his mobile. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… as I said.
My boy’s name is Graeme, a typical Co. Clare baby boy.
Two weeks later, the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed in at 25 pounds, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making bets about how big the baby would be in two weeks….. so how much does he weigh now?!”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender, now confused and concerned, asks, “What happened? He was 25 pounds when he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:
“Had Graeme circumcised.”
Paddy went missing:
Paddy was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, bringing the box back into the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Paddy has been missing since Friday.
Best Irish Joke: Irish jokes “The Italian Lawyer”:
An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer thinks that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00, then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says. This catches the Irishman’s attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’ The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the Irishman’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’ The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on Google. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00. The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts, not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’
The Irishman reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Don’t mess with the Irish! 😂
Pat’s first time in Dublin:
Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. Pat had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside.
Pat and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention.
The boy asked his father, Pat,
What is this dad?
Pat(who had never seen an elevator before) responded,
Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is!
While Pat and his son were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady got between them and got into a small room.
The walls magically closed, and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and the numbers began to light in reverse order.
The door opened, and a young blonde stepped out.
Pat, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
Go get your mother
Irish priest gets pulled over:
A priest is driving back to Dublin when he gets pulled over for speeding.
The Garda approaches the window and sees an empty wine bottle in the passenger’s seat.
The priest rolls down the window, and a strong smell of wine wafts out.
“Have you been drinking, Father?” asks the Garda.
“Just water,” replied the priest.
“I can smell the wine, Father,” said the Garda.
The priest looks from the bottle to the heavens. “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”
An Irishman goes to the doctor:
Irishman really wants a job:
Paddy, Murphy and Mick go to a pub:
Confession with a priest:
Have you enjoyed these funny Irish jokes?
In conclusion, the world of Irish humour is as diverse and entertaining as the emerald landscapes of Ireland itself. Yes, I agree some of these funny Irish jokes are a bit offensive, but remember that they are just jokes. Do you have a favourite Irish joke? Comment and let me know.
Just like a well-poured pint of Guinness, Irish jokes have the power to unite people and brighten even the gloomiest of days. So, whether you’re sipping a beverage in a cosy pub or sharing a laugh with friends, may these Irish jokes continue to bring joy and merriment to your days.
But thanks for stopping by. Be sure to share this article with someone who loves funny Irish jokes. And remember, if you like Irish jokes I have an extra 50 here. Sláinte!