121 Funny Christmas Jokes: Irish, Cracker And Kids' Jokes

Three of the best Christmas jokes. What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack. How many Irish mammies does it take to cook Christmas dinner? One. “No, no, sit down, I’m grand.” What’s the saddest moment of an Irish childhood? Opening the old Roses tin and finding needles and thread.

Every Irish Christmas dinner has a cracker, a paper hat that won’t stay on, and a joke so bad the whole table groans. The groan is the point.

Here are 121 Christmas jokes, Irish ones first, because you won’t find those in a cracker. All clean enough for the classroom or the granny.

Irish Christmas jokes

These are my own. If one falls flat, groan and pass the gravy, like you would with a cracker.

The good room is the front room opened only at Christmas. Roses and Quality Street are tins of sweets. RTÉ’s Late Late Toy Show is a live November TV night of children and toys. The RTÉ Guide is our TV listings magazine.

What does an Irish mammy want for Christmas?
“Nothing, don’t be wasting your money.” Get her nothing and you’ll hear about it till next Christmas.

How many Irish mammies does it take to cook Christmas dinner?
One. “No, no, sit down, I’m grand.”

What does an Irish mammy say after your third plate?
“You’ve hardly touched it.”

Why does an Irish Christmas dinner have turkey and ham?
So nobody could ever say the mammy was short.

Why does an Irish mammy buy six weeks of food for Christmas?
The shops are closed for two days.

What’s the heaviest thing in an Irish house at Christmas?
The Christmas RTÉ Guide. The mammy’s cake comes a close second.

When does the Irish mammy put on the Brussels sprouts?
Around the time of the Late Late Toy Show.

How do you refuse Christmas cake in an Irish house?
You can’t. “No, thanks” means a small slice. “Honestly, I couldn’t” means a big one.

Who’s allowed sit in the Irish good room?
The priest, the cousins home from America and the Christmas tree.

What did the Irish mammy say when Santa came down the chimney?
“Mind the good carpet.”

What’s the saddest moment of an Irish childhood?
Opening the old Roses tin and finding needles and thread.

Why does the last sweet in the Quality Street tin survive till Easter?
It’s the Toffee Penny. Even Granda’s teeth won’t risk it.

Why do Irish adults watch a toy show made for children?
For the cry. Every year some small lad from Mayo breaks the whole country’s heart.

The 12 Pubs of Christmas is a pub crawl in festive jumpers (sweaters). Many parishes now say Midnight Mass at nine or ten. Barry’s is tea, Tayto is crisps (potato chips), and Ryanair charges for nearly every bag. Plenty of young Irish spend Christmas on Bondi Beach. A candle in the window welcomes any traveller.

Why do the Irish say “Happy Christmas” instead of “Merry”?
We’ve seen what merry looks like at the 12 Pubs.

How do you spot the emigrants at Midnight Mass?
They’re the only ones who still think it starts at midnight.

What’s the most emotional place in Ireland at Christmas?
Arrivals in Dublin Airport. Grown men in tears, and that’s just the ones paying for the parking.

How do you spot an Irish emigrant flying home?
Two suitcases. One full of presents, one empty for the Barry’s and Tayto going back.

Why did the emigrant wear four jumpers on the Ryanair flight home?
The presents were in the pockets, and he wasn’t paying for a bag.

How do you know your daughter’s been in Australia too long?
She comes home for Christmas and asks why nobody’s lit the barbecue.

Why does Santa leave every Irish house with a fuller sack?
The mammy made him take a few sandwiches for the road.

Why does the Irish mammy put a candle in the window?
To welcome any stranger. And so the neighbours see she’s washed the windows.

Thousands swim in the freezing sea on Christmas morning for charity. On St Stephen’s Day, 26 December, the Wren Boys go door to door in straw masks, playing music and collecting money “for the wren”. Penneys is our bargain clothes shop, called Primark abroad. Women’s Christmas, or Little Christmas, is 6 January. Cork people call Cork the real capital.

Why do Irish people swim in the sea on Christmas morning?
It’s the only hour nobody can hand them a spud to peel.

What do you call someone who did the Christmas Day swim?
Brave, blue and still telling you about it in March.

Why do the Wren Boys wear straw masks?
So nobody can tell which neighbour is at the door looking for money.

What’s the only right answer to “Did you get anything nice?”
“Ah, bits and pieces.” Even if you got a car.

How do you compliment an Irish person’s Christmas jumper?
You needn’t bother. They’ll tell you it was four euro in Penneys before you finish.

What’s a white Christmas in Ireland?
When the hail stays on the ground long enough for a photo.

When do Irish women get their Christmas?
The 6th of January. It takes that long to clear up after the first one.

How do you know Santa is from Cork?
He works one night a year and still thinks he’s the best in the world.

Why don’t Cork people go to Dublin for their Christmas shopping?
Why would you leave the real capital?

Christmas cracker jokes

A Christmas cracker is a paper tube wrapped in shiny paper. Two people pull it, it bangs, and out fall a paper crown, a tiny toy and a joke. A mince pie is a small sweet pie of dried fruit and spice.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas quacker.

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santa Applause.

What’s the best Christmas present?
A broken drum. You can’t beat it.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas, Eve.”

Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?
They’re shell-fish.

What do you call an old snowman?
Water.

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis.

What’s the most popular carol in the desert?
O Camel Ye Faithful.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.

Why are cracker jokes so bad?
They’ve spent eleven months in a cardboard tube. You’d be bitter too.

Why does the toy in the cracker always shoot across the room?
It’s trying to escape before anyone reads the joke.

Santa jokes

Santy, as most Irish children call him, gets more jokes than anyone.

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack.

Why do you never see Santa in hospital?
He has private elf care.

Why does Santa go down the chimney?
Because it soots him.

Why is Santa so good at karate?
He has a black belt.

What do you call Santa on the beach?
Sandy Claus.

What does Santa get if he’s stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia.

What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

How does Santa know who’s been naughty?
He’s in the family WhatsApp group.

What did Mrs Claus say when Santa came in on Christmas morning?
“And where were you till this hour?”

How does Santa get into Irish houses with no chimney?
The back door. Nobody’s locked it since 1974.

Why won’t Santa bring a drum kit to an Irish house?
He’s met the mammy.

Reindeer jokes

Nine reindeer, and not one of them with a driving licence.

Why are Comet, Cupid and Donner always wet?
Because they’re rain deer.

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments.

What did the reindeer say before telling a joke?
“This one will sleigh you.”

What do you call a reindeer wearing earmuffs?
Anything you like. He can’t hear you.

Why did Rudolph do so badly at school?
He went down in history.

Why was Rudolph made for an Irish Christmas?
Fog, drizzle and dark by four. He’s the only one who can see where he’s going.

Elf jokes

Santa’s elves work all year and get paid in biscuits.

What kind of photos do elves take?
Elfies.

Why was the elf feeling down?
He had very low elf esteem.

Did the elf go to school?
No, he was elf-taught.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper.

What do you call an elf who wins the Lotto?
Welfy.

Why did the elf join the Irish dancing class?
He already had the curly shoes.

Why was Santa’s workshop shut for the day?
Elf and safety.

Snowman jokes

Snowmen are rare in Ireland, so we make do with jokes.

What do you call a snowman in Ireland?
A puddle with a carrot in it.

Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank.

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
The abdominal snowman.

What did the snowman say when he was leaving?
“Have an ice day.”

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice Krispies.

Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
Because Frost bites.

Why does the Irish snowman have a parsnip for a nose?
The mammy needed the carrots for the dinner.

Christmas dinner jokes

Christmas pudding is a heavy fruit pudding, set alight with brandy. In Cork we add spiced beef to the turkey and ham.

What do you call a Cork Christmas dinner with turkey, ham and spiced beef?
A light lunch.

Why is the turkey never hungry at Christmas?
He’s always stuffed.

What does an Irish dad say after Christmas dinner?
“I won’t eat for a week.” Then he asks is there any trifle.

Why does the Christmas pudding come out on fire?
It’s the only way to get anyone to look at it.

What’s the best thing to put in a Christmas pudding?
Your teeth.

Why do Brussels sprouts get such a bad name?
They’re eaten once a year, purely out of guilt.

How do you know you’ve overdone the dinner?
Your trouser button is under more pressure than the cook.

What’s the difference between Christmas dinner and St Stephen’s Day dinner?
The microwave.

Why is there always one roast potato left in an Irish house?
Nobody will take the last one. It’s still there on the 27th.

Christmas jokes for kids

Short, clean and safe for the classroom. In Irish school nativity plays, the shepherds wear tea towels on their heads.

What do Santa’s elves learn in school?
The elf-abet.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
They keep dropping their needles.

What’s a Christmas tree’s favourite sweet?
Orna-mints.

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
“Lighten up!”

Why did the Christmas tree go to the dentist?
It needed a root canal.

What do sheep say at Christmas?
“Fleece Navidad!”

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.

What do you call a reindeer with bad manners?
Rude-olph.

What kind of key can’t open a door?
A turkey.

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbit?
A mistle-toad.

Why was the Christmas cracker sent to the principal’s office?
It kept going off in class.

What’s the most important costume in a school nativity play?
The tea towel. Without it, you’re just a boy in a dressing gown.

Christmas knock-knock jokes

Every child’s first joke, and every adult’s last resort.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut open till Christmas!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Yule.
Yule who?
Yule never guess who’s home from Australia!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Luke.
Luke who?
Luke at all these presents!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Hannah.
Hannah who?
Hannah partridge in a pear tree!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use, I’ve forgotten my key again.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Wren.
Wren who?
Wren are you opening this door? We’ve been singing for an hour!

Christmas puns and one-liners

Short enough for a card, a caption or the family group chat. A selection box is a box of chocolate bars, like the honeycomb Crunchie.

What’s every parent’s favourite Christmas carol?
Silent Night.

What do you call people bragging about chess by the fire?
Chess nuts boasting.

What do you call a Christmas tree that knows karate?
Spruce Lee.

An Irish Christmas Day: eight hours cooking, twenty minutes eating, and three days of “Will I heat you up a plate?”

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. In Ireland, I’d settle for a dry one.

Christmas in Ireland starts when the mammy hides the Roses on top of the wardrobe.

The four stages of life: you believe in Santa, you don’t believe in Santa, you are Santa, you look like Santa.

Every Irish child gets a selection box at Christmas. Every Irish dad quality-checks the Crunchie.

If your Christmas lights are still up on Paddy’s Day, they’re St Patrick’s Day lights now.

Only in Ireland is “Will you have a cup of tea?” asked eleven times on Christmas Day, and answered yes every time.

Christmas riddles with answers

Some for the kids, some for the adults. Sellotape is Scotch tape to Americans.

What has lots of needles but can’t sew?
A Christmas tree.

I have 24 doors and no house. What am I?
An Advent calendar.

How many presents can you put in an empty sack?
One. After that, it isn’t empty.

What starts with T, ends with T, is full of T, and never leaves an Irish table?
A teapot.

What goes round the Christmas table three times and never gets eaten?
The Brussels sprouts.

I’m round and dark, I’ve been drinking whiskey since October, and nobody’s worried about me. What am I?
An Irish Christmas cake.

I’m only used at Christmas, I smell of furniture polish, and nobody’s allowed sit on me. What am I?
The sofa in the good room.

I come out once a year, I’m impossible to find, and somehow it’s always Daddy’s fault. What am I?
The end of the Sellotape.

Christmas jokes FAQ

What is the funniest Christmas joke?

A favourite is “What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack.” My Irish pick is the mammy who cooks for fourteen and insists she’s grand.

What are good Christmas jokes for kids?

Puns kids can work out themselves, like the elf-abet, orna-mints and Rude-olph. Knock-knocks are best for a classroom, because the whole room shouts the answer.

What are Christmas cracker jokes?

They’re the jokes inside Christmas crackers, with a paper crown and a small toy. A London sweet maker, Tom Smith, started crackers in the 1840s. The bang, hats and jokes came later, and the jokes are meant to be bad.

What is the most popular Christmas cracker joke?

In a 2017 Eir poll of 1,000 people, Ireland’s favourite was “What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker.” BreakingNews.ie reported the result.