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Best Irish Jokes Of The Year 2023

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Looking for the best Irish jokes? Well, you came to the right place. Over the past year, I have been sending out a new Irish joke to my dedicated email subscribers every week. It is entirely free, and you can sign up here. But as 2023 comes to an end, I decided to put together a list of the best Irish jokes in this article. I have chosen these Irish jokes one by one each week. Sometimes I featured two so in total there will be over fifty Irish jokes at least. 

While I have chosen not to number these best Irish jokes, I have put a headline for each one so you can get an idea of what it is about. 

Some are funny Irish jokes, and some are offensive Irish jokes, but remember, they are just jokes, and I do not mean to offend anyone. You will find a list of the best short Irish jokes and many of the best long Irish jokes. Enjoy! 

Best Irish Jokes Short:

Paddy was driving


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven, he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one!”

Mick orders 3 pints of Guinness

Guinness! Invented by Arthur Guinness(1759) 

Mick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn’t you rather I draw fresh pints for you one at a time?”

Mick replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia. We made a pact to each drink this way to remember the days when we all drank together.”

The bartender nods and serves Mick his three pints. This goes on for a couple of months until one day, Mick orders only two pints. Concerned, the bartender says, “I’m sorry for your loss. Did one of your brothers pass away?”

Mick looks confused for a moment and then laughs, “Oh, no, my brothers are fine! I just quit drinking!”

Best Irish jokes: A parrot gift 🐓

funny parrot joke

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour when the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?” 😂😂😂😂


The teacher and the third graders

A teacher asked her third-grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.

The first little boy, Dale, said, “Alligator.” “Very good, Dale, that’s a big word.” … The second boy, Wayne, said, “Predator.” “ Yes, that’s another big word, Wayne. Very well done.”

When Johnny was asked, he said, “Vibrator.”

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

“ Well, my mother has one, and she says it eats f***ng batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

This week’s Irish Joke: Do you drink beer?

Woman: “Do you drink beer?”

Man: “Yes.”

Woman: “How many beers a day?”

Man: “Usually about three.”

Woman: “How much do you pay per beer?”

Man: “Five euros, which includes a tip.”

Woman: “And how long have you been drinking?”

Man: “About 20 years, I suppose.”

Woman: “So a beer costs €5, and you have three beers a day, which puts your spending each month at €450. In one year, that would be approximately €5,400, correct?”

Man: “Correct.”

Woman: “If in one year you spend €5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past twenty years put your spending at €108,000, correct?”

Man: “Correct.”

Woman: “Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could’ve by now bought an aeroplane?”

Man: “Do you drink beer?”

Woman: “No.”

Man: “Where’s your aeroplane?”

The First Irish Christmas Joke: 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The Englishman man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates, Saint Peter said.

The Welsh man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells”. Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The Irish man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carols”

Paddy died in a fire:

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So, the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”.

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad; roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”

“What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes….'”


Adults-only Irish joke:

Adults-only Irish joke fishing joke


At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 

‘Do you want to go up or down?’

All of a sudden, the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad, passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.

They fished for a while and continued down the river, when they soon came upon another fork.

He again asked the lady, 

‘Up or down?’

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild, passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 

‘Up or down?’

The woman replied, ‘Down.’

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman continued to guide the boat until he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 

‘Up or down?’

She replied, ‘Up.’

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, ‘What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now, today, nothing!’

‘Yesterday, I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid,’ she replied. 

‘I thought the choices were 

f….k or drown….’ 😜😂

Husband and wife with nine children:

bus travel joke

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So, the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, “You know, if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick, I wouldn’t have to listen to that tapping.” The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the F****ing bus.

Bonus Irish Joke:

A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage.

A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?” Husband replied, “Well, we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback riding, my wife’s horse jumped, and my wife fell off. She got up, patted the horse, and said, ‘This is your first time.’ After a while, it happened again, and she said, ‘This is your second time.’ And when it happened a third time, she pulled out a gun and shot the horse. I shouted, ‘Are you crazy?!? You killed a horse!!’

She gave me a look and said, ‘This is your first time.’”

Maureen’s husband:

Maureen’s husband, Patrick, was a typical Irish male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was women’s work! But one evening, Maureen arrived home to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something was up, she thought.

It turns out that Patrick had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and also had to do all the housework were too tired to make love.

The night went well; the next day, she told her office friends about it. “We had a great dinner. Patrick even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.” “But what about afterwards?” asked her friends. “Oh, that was perfect, too. Patrick was too tired!”

Smart dogs joke:

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that was quite clever. The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that that was good. The chemist said that his dog could do better still. He called to his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was very impressive. Then, the three men turned to the government worker and said, “What can your dog do?” The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers’ compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed that that was brilliant!

Daddy’s car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.’Mummy, I was at the playground, and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look, and he was

giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’

At this point, Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story; let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s

face when you tell it tonight.’

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground, and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look, and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.’

Mummy fainted!


Sometimes, you just need to shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt! 🫡😂😂😂

Bonus Irish Joke: The Burglar

Burglar alarm

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

He waited a minute but didn’t hear anything else. He figured he must have imagined it, so he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out to disconnect the wires, he heard it again, clear as a bell: “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed a little. “Warn me, huh? What’s your name, little guy?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird after Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler after Jesus.”

This week’s Irish Joke: The Guard

A man in his mid-forties from Ireland, let’s call him Liam, had just treated himself to a brand-new BMW. It was a beautiful evening; the sun was setting, and Liam decided to take his sleek ride for a spin on the motorway. With the convertible top down, the wind tousled what remained of his hair, and he couldn’t resist the temptation to see what his new car was capable of. As he pushed the accelerator, the speedometer steadily climbed to 130 KMH.

However, just as he was savouring the thrill of the moment, his rearview mirror suddenly lit up with flashing red and blue lights. Panic struck Liam, but he couldn’t bear the thought of his new BMW being pulled over, so he decided to push it further. The speedometer crept up to 160 KMH, and finally, the realization dawned on him that running from the police wasn’t the wisest choice.

Reluctantly, he slowed down and pulled over to the side of the motorway. A stern-looking garda approached his car, took his license without uttering a word, and began scrutinizing both the license and the BMW. Liam, feeling a bit nervous, tried to think of an excuse that could get him out of this situation.

The garda officer, apparently tired from a long day, glanced at Liam and sighed, “Look, it’s been a rough shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I’m not in the mood for more paperwork. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, maybe I’ll let you off with a warning.”

Liam paused for a moment, his mind racing. Then, a sly grin crossed his face, and he said, “You see, just last week, my wife ran off with a garda officer. I thought you were trying to give her back!!

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer, and walked away. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂


The Elderly Man in Dublin

Dublin Irish joke

Sean, an elderly white-haired man from Dublin in Ireland, walked into a jewellery store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a €5,000 ring.

The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

‘Here’s a stunning ring at only €40,000’, the jeweller said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled, and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man, seeing this, said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweller asked how payment would be made, and the man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now; you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There was only €25 in your account.’

‘I know, said the old man,

‘But let me tell you about WHAT A WEEKEND I HAD!

This week’s Irish Joke: The Blind Guy

A blind guy sits down in a diner in Galway City and says to the waiter, “I’m sorry, but I’m blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork, I’ll smell it, and order from there.” The waiter picks up a greasy fork and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deeply, and says, “Ah…that’s what I’ll have…meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

The waiter can’t believe it, so he tells his wife, Aoife, who’s the cook.

The next day, the blind guy walks in, and the waiter says, “I’ll get you a dirty fork.” He gets a dirty fork and hands it to the blind guy; the blind guy smells it and says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”

The waiter thinks the blind guy is messing with him, so the next day, when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, “Aoife, rub this fork on your crotch. I think this guy’s screwin’ with me.” She does it, and he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Are you kidding me? I didn’t know Aoife worked here.”

Irishman wants a job joke.

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” The Irishman says? “That is easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“Have you ain’t got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9,” says the Irishman.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree… “Ere you go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going actually to have to hire this Irishman, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “A little dog come along and poop by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”


Doctor and the 85-year-old man:

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this – first, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, but there was still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

This week’s Irish Jokes:

Gates of Heaven joke:

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her:

“Hello. How are you?! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, ‘This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.


The woman correctly spelt “love,” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her.

“I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion.

And my wife and I travelled all around the world.

We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today.

I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.



Paddy joke, Paddy goes skiing:

Paddy decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up Paddy’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbours. Will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Paddy said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Paddy got an

unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

‘Yes, I do.’ Said Keith.

‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

‘Well, um, yes!’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,’ I have to admit that I did.’

‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’

Keith’s face turned beet red, and he said,

‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’

She just died and left me everything.’

(And you thought the ending would be different!) 😂😂

The Alcohol Factory:

Alcohol factory joke

In an alcohol factory, the regular tester died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, “It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.”

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass. “It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels.”

“Correct.” The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell you who’s the father!”

The boss collapsed!!!

Best Irish jokes, classic Mick!

Mick and his friend walk into a restaurant. After ordering their food, they begin to have a bite to eat.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. Mick’s friend looks at her and says, Can you swallow?’

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Can you breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

Mick’s friend walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, Mick’s friend walks slowly back to his table.

Mick says, ‘You know, I’d heard of that ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seen anyone do it…”

Bonus Irish Joke: The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night, when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then, we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

‘Me too! The other night, I met my lover at his office, and I was wearing a raincoat under it, with only the black bra, heels, and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble, and we made wild love all night.’

Then I had to share my story:

‘When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me, he said,

“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”’

Irishman plans wife’s birthday:

An Irishman was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift.

“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s, where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened, and her expression suddenly changed.

“I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

This week I thought it would be nice to include a fable as it has some great positive messages in it.


These are some words of wisdom for anyone who finds themselves arguing with a donkey.

The donkey said to the tiger:

– “The grass is blue”.

The tiger replied:

– “No, the grass is green.”

The discussion heated up, and the two decided to submit him to arbitration, and for this, they went before the lion, the King of the Jungle.

Already before reaching the forest clearing, where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey began to shout:

– “His Highness, is it true that the grass is blue?”.

The lion replied:

– “True, the grass is blue.”

The donkey hurried and continued:

– “The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts and annoys me; please punish him.”

The king then declared:

– “The tiger will be punished with five years of silence.”

The donkey jumped cheerfully and went on his way, content and repeating:

– “The Grass Is Blue”…

The tiger accepted his punishment, but before he asked the lion:

– “Your Majesty, why have you punished me? After all, the grass is green.”

The lion replied:

– “In fact, the grass is green.”

The tiger asked:

– “So why are you punishing me?”.

The lion replied:

– “That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green.

The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave and intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that, come and bother me with that question.”

The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who does not care about truth or reality but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on arguments that don’t make sense…

There are people who, no matter how much evidence and evidence we present to them, cannot understand, and others are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and all they want is to be right even if they are not.

When ignorance screams, intelligence is silent. Your peace and quietness are worth more. ​

BONUS IRISH JOKE: I couldn’t include one 😅

An Irish man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat… As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. ” I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. ” And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained,” one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when, actually, it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

Priest joke:

Priest jokes

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

“Do you know what arthritis is?”

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

“It’s a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say.”

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later, the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

“How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it.”

Two Evil Irish brothers

There were two evil Irish brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their way from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians:

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.

The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

“I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.”

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.”

After going on in this way for a short time, he concluded with…

“But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

Best Irish jokes, dirty Irish Joke:

Bit of a dirty one(I did warn, yea!) 😂

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he got a call on his mobile. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… as I said.

My boy’s name is Graeme, a typical Co. Clare baby boy. 

Two weeks later, the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed in at 25 pounds, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making bets about how big the baby would be in two weeks….. so how much does he weigh now?!”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” 

The bartender, now confused and concerned, asks, “What happened? He was 25 pounds when he was born.” 

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says: 

“Had Graeme circumcised.” 

Plane joke: The plane is about to crash:

As an aeroplane is about to

crash, a female passenger

jumps up frantically and

announces, “If I’m going to die,

I want to die feeling like a


She removes all her clothing

and asks, “Is there someone

on this plane, who is man

enough to make me feel like

a woman?”

An Irishman stands up,

removes his shirt and says,

“Here, feckin iron this!”.

Irish joke: Paddy is in big trouble!

Paddy was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning, he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, bringing the box back into the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Paddy has been missing since Friday.

Irish jokes “The Italian Lawyer”:

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer thinks that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00, then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says. This catches the Irishman’s attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’ The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the Irishman’s turn.

He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’ The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on Google. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00. The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts, not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’ 

The Irishman reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

Don’t mess with the Irish! 😂

Pat went to a shopping mall:

Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. Pat had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside. 

Pat and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. 

The boy asked his father, Pat, 

What is this dad? 

Pat(who had never seen an elevator before) responded, 

Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is! 

While Pat and his son were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button. 

The walls opened, and the lady got between them and got into a small room. 

The walls magically closed, and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially. 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and the numbers began to light in reverse order. 

The door opened, and a young blonde stepped out. 

Pat, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…

Go get your mother 

Seamus in hospital:

“Seamus’s missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child.

When they arrived, the nurse asked, ‘How dilated is she, sir?’.

Seamus replied, ‘Delighted? She’s over the fu*king moon!’”


A priest is driving back to Dublin when he gets pulled over for speeding.

The Garda approaches the window and sees an empty wine bottle in the passenger’s seat.

The priest rolls down the window, and a strong smell of wine wafts out.

“Have you been drinking, Father?” asks the Garda.

“Just water,” replied the priest.

“I can smell the wine, Father,” said the Garda.

The priest looks from the bottle to the heavens. “Good Lord, he’s done it again!” 

This one is one of my favourite and one of the best Irish jokes. Sometimes the simple ones are the best haha. 

Dirty Irish joke:

nice car Irish joke

I was a very happy Irishman. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day, her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Best Irish Jokes: The accident.

An elderly Irishman accidentally rear-ends a guy driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the older man.

“Look what you did to my car”, he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now, or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!” “Oh my,” says the old man, I don’t have that kind of money.

Let me call my son, he trains dolphins, and he’ll know what to do. Dolphins, the other driver huffs while rolling his eyes. The older man pulls out his phone, dials his son, and just as the son answers, the angry man snatches the phone away from the older man.

So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car, and I need ten grand right now, or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp.

I’ll be there in 10 minutes, says the voice calmly on the other end.

Precisely ten minutes later, a jeep pulls up, and an incredibly fit, muscular Irishman hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he’s finished, he walks over to his father and says:

“For the LAST TIME, dad…. I train SEALS…. NAVY SEALS…. NOT dolphins.”😂😂😂😂

Three Irish Virgin sisters:

virgin sisters joke

Three Irish virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: “Nescafe”.
Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: “Great from beginning to end”.
Mum blushed but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”.
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes to read from the pack: “Super strong King Size”.
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.

Mum waited for a week,
Another week went by, and still nothing.
A month passed, and still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland, which was written with a shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “.
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.’


The retired Irish mother

Best Irish jokes

I’ve now retired from Spain and bought a nice villa. Yesterday, my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking beer isn’t a good thing?” I asked. (Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation lately.) She is “only thinking of me,” she said and suggested I go down to the Senior Citizen Community Centre and hang out with the fellas. So, I did, and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her that I learned about from the fellas at the Senior Centre. So I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club. She replied, “Are you nuts? You’re way too old now; you’re not going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?” I sensed she didn’t believe me, so I told her I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled,

“Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!” “Oh man, am I in trouble,”

I said, “I signed up for five jumps a week!” The line went dead.

Irish Joke: Susie

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually, she slept through the class. One day, her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. ‘Tell me, Susie, who created the universe?’ When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny, her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. ‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.

The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class…

A little later, the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’ But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. ‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep…

The Nun asked her a third question…

‘What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’ Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

The nun fainted

Irish Joke: An Irish airport agent


It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this Irish girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny while making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent who happened to be from Ireland was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said,

“I HAVE to be on this flight; it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied,

“I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly so that

the passengers behind him could hear,


Without hesitating, the Irish agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

“May I have your attention, please?”,

she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said,

“F*** You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said,

“I’m sorry, sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

Best Irish Jokes: Paddy’s wife is deaf:

Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there was a simple, informal test that Paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. The doctor said here’s what you do: stand about 40 feet away from her and, in a normal conversational tone, see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet away, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. Later that day, when Paddy gets home from the pub, he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he is in the hallway; he thinks to himself I’m about 40 feet away. Let’s see what happens. In a normal tone, he asks, “Mary what’s for dinner, my lovely?” No response, so he moves closer by 30 feet. He says,” Mary, what’s for feckin dinner ?”. Still no response.

He moves closer by about 20 feet. “Mary, for Christ’s sake, can ye be telling me what’s for dinner ?” Still nothing, and again at 10 feet, still nothing. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me what’s for dinner?

She replied,


Okay, that’s the end of the best Irish jokes!

Well, at least for 2023. As you can see, there were quite a few of them. Sure, some are not the world’s best Irish jokes, but it all depends on your sense of humour.

I am sure some you laughed at and some Irish jokes you did not find funny. Either way, I hope you enjoyed my list of the best Irish jokes of the year. 

You can get an Irish joke straight to your inbox every Friday here.

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